the sophomore slump

I’m back! I’m alive!

Am I alive?

I’m mostly alive!

After possibly the roughest semester of my entire schooling career, I’m mostly just happy to say I survived. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out what, exactly, made this autumn so painful for me. Growth? Yes, of course, but it never quite feels like it at the time.

If you’ve read any of my past blog posts, you’ll know that I love where I go to school and I love my friends. That still holds true after this semester, but. You know. Change is a constant.

From August to mid-October, I went through a deeply unhappy period of not quite knowing why anything I did mattered. I was taking classes that had excited me beyond belief when I signed up for them in the spring - but in the fall, I barely showed up. I was physically present in most of my classes, sure. Mentally, though. That’s another thing entirely. I sat with my laptop open, scrolling through Facebook endlessly, messaging friends, doing homework for other classes due at midnight. Staring off into space. The material I refused to learn bypassed me easily, only to come back to haunt me when exams began. I couldn’t bring myself to care about genetic sequences or white dwarfs or documentaries. I just wanted to listen to music until I fell asleep.

I was avoiding my commitments like the plague and trying to chase any experience that made me feel better, even temporarily. My own irresponsibility stressed me out more than anything, I think, but over time, I found a silver lining to it all. During this escapist streak, I ended up discovering amazing activities and people that eventually lifted me up. I found things that I loved, that shined through the shitfest of my life. And when I finally began to get back to my feet after metaphorically fetal-positioning for several months, I felt a lot stronger for all of it.

I finally called my dad in October. I talked through a lot of what was going on, a lot of how I felt. I remember locking myself in the closet and crying against the door for a long time after I hung up. Until that conversation, I hadn’t really admitted to anyone - let alone myself - how much I was struggling; and so, nobody had been able to tell me that it would be okay and that I was doing my best and that’s what mattered.

This was the beginning of my climb out of The Slump™. I reached out to old and new friends, to my family, to professors, to ideas and concepts that excited me. I made a conscious effort to listen to more upbeat music. I went on late night runs to ease some stress instead of scrolling through Instagram for three hours straight. I wore clothes that made me feel good, instead of the first sweatshirt I could find in the morning. I took more pictures of friends and moments that I loved. My laptop went to computer heaven in early November, so - gasp - I began paying attention in class again. I came to terms with a lot of emotions and sadnesses that had been swirling around inside me for months. I wrote a lot of very bad (and very angry) poetry that slowly eased its way into equally bad (but much more hopeful) poetry. Eventually, I found good thoughts to walk through instead of dumpster fires.

I’m still figuring things out, obviously. I don’t know if some of the things I’ve been thinking about ever can be figured out fully. But I feel passionate and creative and loving again - traits I’ve always valued in myself that became muted for far too long a while. I’m excited for a more conscious spring semester, one where I feel more empowered to make my own choices and shape my own attitude.

So! Cheers to the tail-end of a bumpy ride on the struggle bus! Here's to not just surviving, but thriving!

If you find yourself going through a similar slump, please don’t be afraid to reach out for a hand to hold - be it through knocking on your friend's door, calling your family, shooting me a message on Facebook. Whatever works. Feeling bad - well, it feels bad. Let’s try not to do it so often from here on out. We deserve better, yeah?

#sophomoreyear #college #riceuniversity #mentalhealth #thestrugglebus